Echoes of Childhood: Navigating the Impact of Past Trauma on Present Relationships
Experiencing abuse in childhood, be it emotional, physical, or sexual, profoundly shapes relationships and intimacy for life. Navigating relationships of any nature can feel like walking through a minefield. You may long to be close with others and yet it may never really feel safe – there’s a constant fear that at any point someone may let you down, leave you, hurt you or turn out to be someone other than you thought.
Our past experiences shape the lenses through which we view ourselves, others, and the world. These subconscious scripts dictate our actions, often without us even realizing it. But living by these outdated narratives only perpetuates the cycle of pain and mistrust.
The good news is, we have the power to change these patterns. By examining and challenging the beliefs we've internalized since childhood, we can begin to rewrite our story and reclaim agency over our relationships.
Let’s start with some broad strokes…
Our beliefs (about ourselves, others, and the world):
Our childhood experiences shape the scripts we bring into our adult relationships. These scripts dictate what we believe to be true about ourselves, others, and the world. The trouble is, we all carry different scripts, and they all feel very true. These scripts not only have a profound influence on us but also operate at a subconscious level for most people, shaping our actions and emotions in relationships without our conscious awareness.
Regarding our actions (toward others):
Each of us enters into relationships with distinct patterns of behaviour shaped by our interpretations of ourselves, others, and the world. We have well-worn, often-used, knee-jerk replies, expressions and responses that we engage in toward others. Some of these will serve us, help us, protect us, while others will sabotage us, yielding unintended consequences.
Regarding our feelings (as a result of disappointing and painful relationships):
For many who have experienced childhood abuse, the combination of subconscious scripts and automatic responses can evoke feelings of loneliness, isolation, burnout, longing, and profound hurt in the context of relationships.
We unwittingly carry beliefs, behaviours, and emotions as if the past circumstances persist into the present. It's a natural instinct, a testament to our intelligence as humans striving to safeguard ourselves based on past experiences.
But here is an important truth… the circumstances and relationships of today are NOT the circumstances and relationships of your childhood. Even if certain relationships involve the same individuals, you've evolved beyond the child you once were. As an adult, you wield power, possess a voice, and hold the agency to establish boundaries, to say no, and walk away from toxic relationships.
So, how do we change the unhelpful patterns? How do we heal from the hurtful effects of childhood abuse on our relationships today?
Start by reflecting on the messages you received growing up. Were you constantly told you weren't good enough? That you had to shrink yourself to stay safe? Did you learn to mistrust everyone around you? Write down these beliefs and acknowledge their presence in your life today.
Next, scrutinize these beliefs. Were they really true then, and are they true now? Or were they survival mechanisms in response to unbearable circumstances? Recognize the resilience and strength it took to endure those challenges.
How can we disrupt these unhelpful patterns? How can we begin to mend the wounds inflicted by childhood abuse on our relationships today?
We can start by addressing our internal scripts. This initial step is crucial because the messages ingrained during childhood persist into adulthood. As scary and painful as it may be to draw your awareness inward to see what you carry around and believe about yourself, others, and the world, it marks the first step in breaking free from these narratives. Rather than allowing these beliefs to exist unchecked and influence our lives, you can reclaim power by scrutinizing their validity (I strongly suspect that most are not true).
Here's an exercise to initiate the process of identifying and questioning old narratives:
Carve out some quiet time for introspection. Ask yourself a series of questions: What were the spoken or unspoken messages you internalized about yourself during childhood? Reflect on a variety of different relationships in your life—your parents, caregivers, teachers, coaches, siblings— and the messages conveyed within each dynamic.
Did you hear things like…
You don’t matter
You are stupid
You’re a bad kid
You’re out of control and unmanageable
You’re a problem
Shut up – I don’t care what you think or what you feel
You are here to help and to serve me and/or others
The smaller and quieter you get the safer you’ll be
What about the spoken or unspoken messages about others? Were you taught that…
People in positions of authority hold all the power – you need to obey or you’ll be punished
Men and boys are dangerous
Women and girls are dangerous
All others are dangerous
Trust no one
All others are more important than you are
What about the spoken or unspoken messages about the world? Did you grasp concepts such as...
The world is a very unpredictable and unsafe place
Trust no one
Danger lurks everywhere
Do you recall encountering any of these messages in your past? Is there anything else missing from this list?
Do these still exist within you today either in your mind or in your body as unspoken sensations? Jot down or simply acknowledge to yourself the beliefs about yourself that you still carry from childhood.
Now, let's examine and challenge these messages. Were you truly all those things then, and are you still now? Or were you just a child or a teenager, struggling to survive unbearable circumstances? Perhaps it's time to acknowledge how smart and resilient you were to adapt in the ways you did to get through abuse, chaos, and pain.
Was it truly you who was broken and at fault, or were the circumstances you faced broken and problematic?
It's time to rewrite the narrative, focusing on what was true then and, more importantly, what is true today.