Unravelling the Layers of Shame
Childhood abuse leaves scars that often linger long into adulthood, and one of the heaviest and most enduring repercussions is feeling shame. This insidious emotion takes hold not only due to the abuse itself but also because of the destructive messages Survivors internalize during those traumatic experiences.
Shame is a deeply rooted emotion with the power to hijack our thoughts, actions, and relationships in profound ways. For shame to no longer have this kind of power, it will be important to understand it and to learn how to overcome it.
How and Why We Feel Shame?
Often, shame develops early in life, as a direct result of having been abused in childhood. Survivors of abuse will internalize feelings of inadequacy, unworthiness, or failure, setting the stage for a lifelong struggle with shame.
The emotion can manifest in various ways, affecting both mental and physical well-being. The fear of judgment and rejection can lead individuals to hide their true selves, leading to isolation. Moreover, shame may give rise to self-critical thoughts, and self-hate. It whispers destructive messages to Survivors, perpetuating a cycle of self-blame and undeserved guilt. Messages such as, “You are to blame,” “You deserve punishment,” “You are not lovable” or “You do not matter” become haunting echoes that resurface in various life situations, triggering emotional distress.
Shame can also impact decision making, as individuals may avoid taking risks or pursuing their goals to limit potential embarrassment. Recognizing and addressing the messages that come from shame is a crucial step in the journey towards healing.
Challenging Shame with Truth
It's essential to understand that shame is built on lies. We encourage our clients to confront shame by exposing its lies and replacing them with the truth. Lies and truth cannot coexist, just as darkness cannot exist in the presence of light.
Blowing Up Shame
To combat shame effectively, it will be important to name its lies explicitly. Starting with statements like, “I am not to blame,” “I did not deserve the abuse,” or “I was too young to defend myself” helps to dismantle shame's hold. By acknowledging these truths, Survivors begin the process of breaking down the barriers that shame has created.
Truth-telling such as, “I deserved protection and safety,” “I am lovable and important,” or “I matter” help Survivors reframe their self-perception. Recognizing their real value and worth is pivotal in helping a person overcome the lasting effects of childhood abuse.
This requires courage, but the rewards of breaking free from the chains of shame are well worth it. This work need not be done alone.
Seek Professional Help
Uncovering shame as part of the healing journey from childhood abuse helps loosen its grip and lessens its impact on daily life. Consider working on identifying and challenging shame’s negative beliefs that are rooted in the abuse. An experienced counsellor or therapist will provide guidance and support tailored to each person’s specific situation. They may suggest Cognitive-Behavioural Therapy (CBT), Somatic (body) Therapy, or Creative Art Therapy – all of which can be profoundly effective for this.
Consider joining a support group for Survivors of childhood abuse. Connecting with others who have had similar experiences can provide a sense of validation, understanding and community.
At Tapestry Counselling Centre, we advocate for intentional healing by challenging shame's lies and replacing them with empowering truths. By fostering a supportive environment that encourages Survivors to confront and overcome shame, we hope to contribute to the journey of healing and self-discovery.
