Breaking the Cycle: Healing from Child Abuse Across Generations

October is National Child Abuse Prevention Month—a time to raise awareness, offer support, and commit to breaking the cycle of abuse. At Tapestry Counselling Centre, our roots lie in helping individuals recover from the impact of child abuse, and although we now work with a wide range of clients, this issue remains close to our hearts. Abuse affects people of all ages, backgrounds, and experiences, with many still carrying the emotional scars from their childhoods.

Child abuse can take many different forms—physical, emotional, sexual, or neglect—but regardless of its nature, it is still abuse. Each type of abuse leaves a lasting impact, affecting mental health, relationships, and self-worth well into adulthood. The effects are complex and can vary widely from person to person. Survivors may carry feelings of shame, fear, or mistrust, which can make it challenging to seek help or even acknowledge their pain.

October 1st marked National Seniors Day, reminding us of the unique challenges older generations face when seeking support, including the stigma that often surrounds counselling. This blog aims to explore how different generations approach healing from child abuse and the importance of creating a safe space for recovery, no matter one’s age.

The Lasting Impact of Child Abuse

Breaking the cycle of abuse starts with understanding its impact and finding ways to heal. This journey is unique to each individual, yet the underlying need for compassion, support, and guidance is universal.

Different Generations, Different Approaches
The way we address trauma and seek counselling has evolved significantly across generations:

- Older Generations - For many seniors, the idea of discussing mental health or past traumas remains taboo. During their upbringing, seeking help for emotional pain was often stigmatized, seen as a sign of weakness, or simply not an option. As a result, older adults may find it difficult to open up about their experiences with abuse, even if those memories still impact their lives today.

- Younger Generations - In contrast, younger generations tend to be more open about discussing mental health and are more likely to seek therapy. This shift in attitude has helped reduce the stigma around seeking help, creating a more supportive environment for healing. For those who have experienced abuse, this openness provides a crucial opportunity to break the cycle and discover healthier ways to cope and recover. However, we recognize that stigma around mental health issues still exists, even today.

Bridging the Generational Gap in Counselling
At Tapestry Counselling Centre, we recognize the importance of understanding these generational differences when providing support. We strive to create a space where anyone—regardless of age—can feel comfortable exploring their past, discussing their pain, and finding pathways to healing.

For older adults, this might mean taking a gentle approach, building trust, and creating a space where they feel safe to share their experiences without fear of judgment. For younger clients, it could involve more direct conversations, acknowledging their openness to therapy, and guiding them through their journey of self-discovery.

Breaking the Cycle of Abuse
Breaking the cycle of abuse requires both individual courage and community support. It’s about recognizing that abuse is never the fault of the survivor, acknowledging the pain, and committing to healing. This month, as we focus on prevention and recovery, let's also work towards fostering a culture where seeking help is seen as a strength, not a weakness.

Whether you're starting your healing journey at a young age or reflecting on past experiences as a senior, it's never too late to break the cycle of abuse. By understanding the impact of child abuse across generations, we can better support each other and create a world where healing and prevention go hand in hand.

During National Child Abuse Prevention Month and beyond, let’s continue to break the silence, challenge the stigma, and support healing at every stage of life. At Tapestry Counselling Centre, we are here to help you on your journey, providing the compassionate care you need, no matter where you are in life.

Understanding Cultural Sensitivity in Counselling

Navigating the world of counselling can be a daunting task, especially for those who come from different cultural backgrounds. The importance of cultural sensitivity in counselling cannot be overstated. For immigrants, finding a counsellor who understands and respects their cultural context is not just comforting but essential for effective therapy.

What is Cultural Sensitivity in Counselling?

Cultural sensitivity in counselling refers to the counsellor's ability to recognize, understand, and respect the client's cultural background, beliefs and practices. This includes being aware of how cultural differences can affect the way a person experiences and expresses distress, the stigma surrounding mental health in certain cultures, and how different cultural values can influence one's perception of therapy itself.

For immigrants, who may be navigating complex emotions related to identity, belonging, and the pressures of adapting to a new environment, culturally sensitive counselling is extremely helpful. A counsellor who is culturally sensitive will not only avoid making assumptions about a client’s values or behaviours based on their ethnicity but will also be aware of the unique challenges immigrants face, such as language barriers, discrimination, and the stress of relocation.

The Unique Needs of Immigrants in Counselling

Immigrants often bring with them a rich tapestry of experiences, but also challenges that can make the process of counselling different from that of non-immigrants. Some of the unique needs of immigrants in counselling include:

• Language Barriers: Communication is a foundational element of counselling. Language differences can create significant barriers to effective therapy. It’s vital to find a counsellor who either speaks the client’s language or has the skills to work through these barriers.

• Cultural Values and Practices: Different cultures have different ways of expressing emotions and dealing with mental health issues. A counsellor who understands these cultural nuances can tailor their approach to be more effective for the client.

• Family Dynamics: In many cultures, family plays a central role in an individual’s life. The concept of individual therapy may seem foreign or even uncomfortable to some. Understanding these dynamics can help a counsellor address any concerns about family-related stressors.

• Acculturation Stress: The process of adjusting to a new culture can be overwhelming and may lead to what is known as acculturation stress. This includes feelings of isolation, identity conflict, and pressure to assimilate. A culturally sensitive counsellor can help clients navigate these emotions while respecting their cultural identity.

At Tapestry Counselling Centre, we believe that every individual deserves to be heard, understood, and supported in a way that honours their cultural background. We strive to create an inclusive environment where clients from all walks of life feel welcome and respected.

Spotlight on Samudyatha Hiremagalore: A Multilingual Counsellor with a Global Perspective

We are proud to introduce Samudyatha Hiremagalore, one of our counsellors at Tapestry Counselling Centre, whose work embodies our commitment to cultural sensitivity in therapy.

Samudyatha moved to Vancouver to pursue her Master’s degree in Counselling Psychology after discovering her passion for the field while working in India for an Employee Assistance Program. She holds a Master’s degree in Health Psychology from the University of Hyderabad, India, and a Master’s in Counselling Psychology from Adler University in Vancouver, BC. Her rich educational background and professional experience allow her to understand and address the unique challenges faced by immigrants in a new country.

Samudyatha is fluent in five languages—Hindi, Telugu, Kannada, Tamil, and English—making her an essential resource for clients who may feel more comfortable expressing themselves in their native language. Her ability to communicate across these languages allows her to break down barriers and provide more personalized and effective counselling.

Samudyatha’s diverse experience and multilingual skills make her particularly well-suited to support clients from a variety of cultural backgrounds, especially those who may be navigating the complexities of immigration, cultural identity, and the challenges that come with adapting to a new country.

At Tapestry, we are committed to providing culturally sensitive and inclusive counselling services. With professionals like Samudyatha on our team, we are better equipped to meet the needs of our diverse community, ensuring that everyone feels seen, heard, and supported on their journey toward healing and growth.

What is Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) and is it right for me?

At our counselling centre, we're dedicated to empowering individuals to navigate life's challenges with resilience and clarity. We strive to demystify the counselling process, so you feel supported and confident every step of the way.

One of the powerful tools we use is Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT). Whether addressing depression, anxiety disorders, trauma, OCD or problems with anger, CBT's adaptable nature makes it suitable for individuals of all ages who come to counselling, offering hope and tangible relief.

 Let's explore why CBT is so effective and the profound benefits it can bring.

What is Cognitive Behavioural Therapy?

CBT is a widely recognized form of psychotherapy that focuses on the relationship between our thoughts, feelings, and behaviours. CBT aims to identify and change negative thinking patterns and behaviours that can contribute to emotional distress. It is rooted in the idea that by altering the way we think and changing how we respond to situations, we can ultimately change how we feel.  When we change how we think and act, feelings follow.

Thought Awareness: CBT begins with becoming aware of our thoughts and understanding their impact on our emotions and actions. Your therapist will help you to become aware of negative or unhelpful thought patterns that contribute to distressing emotions or behaviours. Through this awareness, individuals gain the ability to challenge and reframe negative thinking patterns effectively, replacing them with what the evidence reveals is closer to the truth.

Behaviour: Beyond thoughts, CBT uses practical behavioural strategies. These may include setting achievable goals, trying out brand new responses, practicing relaxation techniques, or gradually facing fears to reduce anxiety—empowering individuals to take proactive steps toward well-being. Your therapist will collaborate with you to identify specific goals for therapy and understand the issues or symptoms you want to address. Through structured exercises and homework assignments you learn practical skills and strategies to change your behaviours in everyday life. Your counsellor will help you monitor progress throughout therapy sessions to assess how well you are at applying new skills and achieving your goals.

How can Cognitive Behavioural Therapy help you?

Effective Problem-Solving: CBT helps you recognize and confront negative thoughts as they arise. This makes it easier to solve problems and approach life's challenges with a more balanced perspective.

Improve Coping Skills: CBT provides a versatile toolkit of coping mechanisms applicable across various situations—from stress and anxiety to relationship issues—promoting resilience and emotional stability. Ultimately, giving you greater confidence in your life.

Lasting Positive Changes: Known for its efficiency, CBT often yields noticeable improvements in mood and behaviour within a short period of time. These gains translate into sustainable, long-term benefits as individuals continue to use the techniques learned in sessions throughout their lives.

Empowerment and Self-Awareness: Through CBT, you will embark on a journey of self-discovery, gaining profound insights into your thought processes and enhancing self-awareness—a transformative path toward personal empowerment.

At Tapestry, we witness firsthand the transformative impact of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy.

If you or someone you know could benefit from CBT, reach out to us at https://tapestrycounselling.janeapp.com/ to book a free 30-minute consultation with a counsellor today.

Discovering EMDR Therapy

In the journey of mental health recovery, finding the right therapy can be crucial. One such effective method is Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) therapy. Originally developed to alleviate the distress associated with traumatic memories, EMDR has gained recognition for its profound impact on trauma, anxiety, and other mental health issues. But what exactly is EMDR therapy, and how can it benefit those seeking relief from their psychological burdens?

Understanding EMDR Therapy

EMDR therapy is a structured approach that encourages the person to briefly focus on a traumatic memory while doing a bilateral neural stimulation, typically side to side eye movements, to help reduce the vividness and emotion associated with the trauma memories. This method was discovered by Francine Shapiro in 1987 and has since been extensively researched and validated.

The Mechanism Behind EMDR

Leena Mehta, a BC licensed therapist and EMDR specialist at Tapestry Counselling Centre, explains, “EMDR works on the premise that trauma and other negative life experiences can overwhelm the brain’s natural ability to process information. When a distressing event occurs, it can get stuck in the nervous system with the original picture, sounds, thoughts and feelings. EMDR helps the brain process these trapped memories, allowing normal healing to resume.”

During an EMDR session, the therapist will guide a person through sets of eye movements while they recall a distressing event. This process helps to desensitize the client to the traumatic memory, reducing its emotional charge. Over time, this can lead to the memories of the event no longer feeling disturbing or emotionally activating, creating a sense of closure and healing.

Benefits of EMDR Therapy

EMDR therapy has been recognized for its effectiveness in treating post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), but its applications extend beyond trauma. Research has shown that EMDR can also be beneficial for anxiety, depression, phobias and even chronic pain.

“Many of our clients come to us feeling stuck,” says Leena, “EMDR helps them to move past their trauma. It’s not just about coping with the symptoms; it’s about resolving the underlying issues that are causing distress. Many of my clients feel a sense of relief and peace that they never thought was possible.

“EMDR can also help with chronic pain due to a past injuries, for example. Many people have reported significant improvement after undergoing EMDR therapy. The pain doesn’t just lessen, it can become more manageable as the emotional response to the pain changes”, continues Leena.

Why Consider EMDR Therapy?

At Tapestry, we take a holistic approach to therapy, recognizing that each person's journey is unique. EMDR therapy is just one of the many tools in our therapeutic toolkit. We tailor our approach to address the individual needs of each client, ensuring comprehensive care that considers a person’s mental, emotional, and physical well-being.

If you’re struggling with unresolved trauma, anxiety, or other mental health issues, EMDR therapy could be a valuable tool in your healing journey. Unlike traditional talk therapy, EMDR doesn’t require you to discuss your distressing memories in detail. This can be particularly beneficial for those who find it difficult to talk about their experiences.

Moreover, EMDR therapy is typically shorter in duration than other therapeutic approaches. Many clients report improvements in just a few sessions, and significant improvements in a few more, making it a time-efficient option for those seeking relief from their symptoms.

Taking the Next Step

If you’re interested in learning more about EMDR therapy or would like to book an introductory session, we invite you to contact us. Let us guide you through this healing process, providing a safe and supportive environment for your recovery.

How to Find the Right Therapist & Counselling Approach for Your Mental Health Journey

Seeking therapy can be a transformative step towards healing and self-discovery, but finding the right therapist and therapeutic treatments can be daunting. With numerous approaches available, it's helpful to explore what resonates with you and aligns with your specific needs. Whether you're grappling with anxiety, depression, recovering from child abuse, processing grief, or trauma, there are expert counsellors and therapeutic styles that can be tailored to support your journey towards healing and growth.

Where to begin?

Self-Reflection

Begin by reflecting on your needs, goals, and preferences. What are the specific challenges you're facing? Are there any therapeutic approaches that resonate with you? Understanding your requirements will help narrow down your search for a therapist and suitable treatments.

 However, if you’re new to therapy, seeking support to kickstart your journey is understandable and experienced therapists will happily guide you. Many therapists offer initial consultations or phone calls to discuss your concerns and determine if they are a good fit for you. Take advantage of these opportunities to ask questions, express your expectations, and assess the therapist's approach and personality. Ask yourself if you feel comfortable in their presence?

Consider Accessibility

Accessibility is crucial when choosing a therapist and treatment options. Factors such as location, cost, and availability of appointments can impact your ability to consistently engage in therapy. Evaluate what is feasible for you in terms of logistics. Ask the therapist if they can set aside a regular time for you, and let them know if you prefer to have your consultation and ongoing sessions in-person or online. You may also want to check if their office space is calming and comfortable.

Evaluate Therapist Credentials

When researching potential therapists, verify their credentials and qualifications. Look for licensed professionals with experience and expertise in treating your specific mental health concerns. The BC Association of Clinical Counsellors website will tell you if a Registered Clinical Counsellor is in good standing.  Additionally, consider factors such as cultural competence and specialization in particular areas if relevant to your needs.

Trust Your Instincts

Ultimately, trust your instincts when selecting a therapist. It's essential to feel comfortable, understood, and supported in the therapeutic relationship. If you don't sense a good fit after a few sessions, don't hesitate to explore other options. Feel free to discuss with your therapist any aspects that aren't working for you, and they might offer suggestions for another therapist who could be a better match.

Monitor Progress

At the beginning of your counselling journey, you may be asked to name what you’d like to get out of counselling, or what differences you’d like to see in your life.  As you engage in therapy, pay attention to your progress and how you're feeling. It's normal to experience ups and downs along the way. Communicate openly with your therapist about your experiences, challenges, and goals to ensure you're on the right path.

Regularly check in with your counsellor to see where you and your counsellor feel you are with your stated goals.  If you are looking to reduce anxiety symptoms for example, take note of how frequently and to what degree you are currently experiencing those symptoms compared to the when you started therapy.

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Another aspect of finding the right therapist is to familiarize yourself with the various therapy modalities and treatment options available. Ultimately, your counsellor will suggest the best approach, but it may help you with the selection process. Explore which ones below align best with your needs and values.

We've created a short guide below to assist you in exploring various approaches to therapy. Follow our blog or social media to learn more about each modality over the coming weeks.

• Art Therapy: For those who find it challenging to articulate their emotions verbally, art therapy offers a creative outlet. Through various artistic mediums, from sketching to working with clay, individuals can express their thoughts and feelings, leading to increased self-awareness and emotional processing. Making art can be uniquely grounding and soothing for the nervous system.  It can also help people to get “unstuck” by seeing other perspective and paths to problem solving.

• Expressive Arts Therapy offers clients the opportunity to work in the imagination and in the senses via any and all creative modalities.  This can provide a safe container and a new perspective when processing therapeutic material as well as an opportunity to encounter inner resources and surprises.  No art background or experience is required. Expressive Arts-based and play therapy methods offer a way for children to process in a way that is developmentally appropriate and strengths-based.

• Focusing-Oriented Therapy: This approach emphasizes listening to the body's subtle cues and sensations to access deeper emotions and insights. By honing in on bodily sensations and feelings, individuals can explore and resolve underlying issues contributing to their distress.

• EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing): Particularly effective for trauma recovery, EMDR involves bilateral stimulation such as eye movements or taps, to facilitate the brain's processing of distressing memories. A wholistic method, it guides people through naming the negative meaning that has been made of past trauma, as well as processing body sensations that store the memory of trauma.  Altogether, this helps to reduce the emotional charge associated with traumatic experiences, fostering healing and resolution. It is a carefully structured process, offering a safe container throughout, that an EMDR therapist will have specialized training to offer.

• EFT (Emotionally Focused Therapy) for Couples Counselling: Rooted in attachment theory, EFT focuses on repairing relational bonds and addressing underlying emotional needs. Within the safety of the therapeutic relationship, EFT helps individuals identify and express their core needs and emotions with their partners, leading to greater intimacy, connection and security.

• The Gottman Method of Couples Counselling: A research-based approach aimed at improving relationship quality. Therapists assess a couple’s dynamics to identify communication patterns leading to conflict. Through structured interventions, couples learn effective communication, conflict management, and deepen emotional bonds. The method prioritizes disarming verbal conflict, enhancing intimacy, removing growth barriers, leading to greater empathy. By strengthening friendship and equipping practical skills, it helps couples build healthier, resilient partnerships based on trust and mutual support.

• Internal Family Systems: This approach views individuals as containing multiple subpersonalities or "parts" within themselves. The goal is to help clients understand and harmonize these parts, leading to greater internal balance and self-awareness. Therapists guide clients in exploring and communicating with their various parts, facilitating dialogue to uncover underlying beliefs and emotions. Clients learn to access their compassionate core self, which serves as a source of healing and integration. Through techniques like internal dialogue and experiential exercises, individuals work towards resolving inner conflicts, healing past wounds, and cultivating authenticity and inner peace.

• Existential-Humanistic Therapy: This modality explores themes of meaning, purpose, and freedom, encouraging individuals to confront existential concerns and embrace personal responsibility. By engaging with life's fundamental questions, individuals can gain clarity, resilience, and a deeper sense of fulfillment.
  

Other words you might hear in terms of counselling include “Person-centred and Trauma-informed”

• Person-Centred Approach to Counselling: Founded on empathy, genuineness, and unconditional positive regard, person-centred counselling provides a safe space for individuals to explore their thoughts, feelings, and experiences without judgement. A foundation for every practicing counsellor, leading them to act as a facilitator, supporting the client's self-exploration and growth. This is not so much a “therapy approach” any longer, but an attitude that all counsellors have, no matter how they practice counselling.

• Trauma-Informed Counselling: Acknowledges the widespread impact of trauma on individuals' lives and prioritizes creating a safe and supportive environment for clients to explore their experiences at their own pace. Therapists integrate knowledge about the effects of trauma on the brain and emphasize empowerment, collaboration, and choice in guiding interventions aimed at promoting healing and resilience. This approach aims to create trust, validation, and empowerment while supporting clients in processing and integrating their traumatic experiences.

In conclusion, finding the right therapist and approach for your mental health journey may require patience, perseverance, and a willingness to explore different avenues. Remember that seeking help is a courageous act of self-care, and you deserve support and guidance along the way. With dedication and the right resources, you can embark on a path towards healing, growth, and resilience.

If you have questions about the different types of counselling treatments or would like to discuss which approach might be best for you, please reach out to our intake coordinator, Jenn, at 604-876-7600.

Meet Our Relationship Experts, Samudyatha Hiremagalore and Leena Mehta

Samudyatha Hiremagalore

I specialize in working with couples as a relationship expert using the Gottman Method*, a proven approach that delves into communication patterns, identifies areas of conflict, and fosters understanding between partners. In our sessions, we explore the underlying emotions behind problematic behavior, learning to communicate respectfully while managing emotions. It's common for couples to seek my guidance for conflict resolution strategies. Together, we uncover unmet needs, address hurt emotions, and develop effective communication skills, positioning me as a trusted relationship expert in the field.

What is the Gotham Method?

The Gottman Method, developed by Drs. John and Julie Gottman, draws from over four decades of research on what makes relationships succeed or fail. Through extensive observation of thousands of couples, specific behaviours and patterns linked to healthy, lasting relationships have been identified. The Method focuses on three main areas: Building Love Maps for deep understanding, Nurturing Fondness and Admiration to express appreciation regularly, and Turning Toward Each Other Instead of Away to enhance communication skills. Additionally, it provides tools for conflict management, collaborative problem-solving, and establishing shared meaning. This method emphasizes assessment and intervention tailored to each couple's needs, making use of questionnaires and observations to identify strengths and areas for improvement.

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Leena Mehta (She/her)

I am a dedicated therapist specializing in Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT)* and recognized as a relationship expert. In sessions, I prioritize slowing down the pace, delving into emotions, and examining where couples find themselves stuck. Using EFT, we explore the intricate dance between partners, dissecting the moments of connection and disconnection. Frequently, couples seek my assistance regarding communication issues, only to discover that they have deeper longings for connection, highlighting the need for expertise from relationship experts like myself.

What is EFT?

Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) is a structured approach to couples therapy developed by Dr. Sue Johnson in the 1980s. It is based on attachment theory, which suggests that human beings are wired to seek emotional connection with others, particularly with romantic partners. EFT aims to help couples identify and change patterns of interaction that lead to distress and disconnection. In EFT, the therapist helps couples recognize and understand their own and their partner's emotions and attachment needs.

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Echoes of Childhood: Navigating the Impact of Past Trauma on Present Relationships

Experiencing abuse in childhood, be it emotional, physical, or sexual, profoundly shapes relationships and intimacy for life. Navigating relationships of any nature can feel like walking through a minefield. You may long to be close with others and yet it may never really feel safe – there’s a constant fear that at any point someone may let you down, leave you, hurt you or turn out to be someone other than you thought.

Our past experiences shape the lenses through which we view ourselves, others, and the world. These subconscious scripts dictate our actions, often without us even realizing it. But living by these outdated narratives only perpetuates the cycle of pain and mistrust.

The good news is, we have the power to change these patterns. By examining and challenging the beliefs we've internalized since childhood, we can begin to rewrite our story and reclaim agency over our relationships.

Let’s start with some broad strokes…

Our beliefs (about ourselves, others, and the world):

Our childhood experiences shape the scripts we bring into our adult relationships. These scripts dictate what we believe to be true about ourselves, others, and the world. The trouble is, we all carry different scripts, and they all feel very true. These scripts not only have a profound influence on us but also operate at a subconscious level for most people, shaping our actions and emotions in relationships without our conscious awareness.

Regarding our actions (toward others):

Each of us enters into relationships with distinct patterns of behaviour shaped by our interpretations of ourselves, others, and the world. We have well-worn, often-used, knee-jerk replies, expressions and responses that we engage in toward others.  Some of these will serve us, help us, protect us, while others will sabotage us, yielding unintended consequences.

Regarding our feelings (as a result of disappointing and painful relationships):

For many who have experienced childhood abuse, the combination of subconscious scripts and automatic responses can evoke feelings of loneliness, isolation, burnout, longing, and profound hurt in the context of relationships.

We unwittingly carry beliefs, behaviours, and emotions as if the past circumstances persist into the present. It's a natural instinct, a testament to our intelligence as humans striving to safeguard ourselves based on past experiences.

But here is an important truth… the circumstances and relationships of today are NOT the circumstances and relationships of your childhood. Even if certain relationships involve the same individuals, you've evolved beyond the child you once were. As an adult, you wield power, possess a voice, and hold the agency to establish boundaries, to say no, and walk away from toxic relationships.

So, how do we change the unhelpful patterns?  How do we heal from the hurtful effects of childhood abuse on our relationships today?

Start by reflecting on the messages you received growing up. Were you constantly told you weren't good enough? That you had to shrink yourself to stay safe? Did you learn to mistrust everyone around you? Write down these beliefs and acknowledge their presence in your life today.

Next, scrutinize these beliefs. Were they really true then, and are they true now? Or were they survival mechanisms in response to unbearable circumstances? Recognize the resilience and strength it took to endure those challenges.

How can we disrupt these unhelpful patterns? How can we begin to mend the wounds inflicted by childhood abuse on our relationships today?

We can start by addressing our internal scripts. This initial step is crucial because the messages ingrained during childhood persist into adulthood. As scary and painful as it may be to draw your awareness inward to see what you carry around and believe about yourself, others, and the world, it marks the first step in breaking free from these narratives. Rather than allowing these beliefs to exist unchecked and influence our lives, you can reclaim power by scrutinizing their validity (I strongly suspect that most are not true).

Here's an exercise to initiate the process of identifying and questioning old narratives:

Carve out some quiet time for introspection. Ask yourself a series of questions: What were the spoken or unspoken messages you internalized about yourself during childhood? Reflect on a variety of different relationships in your life—your parents, caregivers, teachers, coaches, siblings— and the messages conveyed within each dynamic.

Did you hear things like…

You don’t matter

You are stupid

You’re a bad kid

You’re out of control and unmanageable

You’re a problem

Shut up – I don’t care what you think or what you feel

You are here to help and to serve me and/or others

The smaller and quieter you get the safer you’ll be

What about the spoken or unspoken messages about others?  Were you taught that…

People in positions of authority hold all the power – you need to obey or you’ll be punished

Men and boys are dangerous

Women and girls are dangerous

All others are dangerous

Trust no one

All others are more important than you are

What about the spoken or unspoken messages about the world?  Did you grasp concepts such as...

The world is a very unpredictable and unsafe place

Trust no one

Danger lurks everywhere

Do you recall encountering any of these messages in your past? Is there anything else missing from this list?

Do these still exist within you today either in your mind or in your body as unspoken sensations?  Jot down or simply acknowledge to yourself the beliefs about yourself that you still carry from childhood.

Now, let's examine and challenge these messages. Were you truly all those things then, and are you still now? Or were you just a child or a teenager, struggling to survive unbearable circumstances? Perhaps it's time to acknowledge how smart and resilient you were to adapt in the ways you did to get through abuse, chaos, and pain.

Was it truly you who was broken and at fault, or were the circumstances you faced broken and problematic?

It's time to rewrite the narrative, focusing on what was true then and, more importantly, what is true today.

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Unravelling the Layers of Shame

Childhood abuse leaves scars that often linger long into adulthood, and one of the heaviest and most enduring repercussions is feeling shame. This insidious emotion takes hold not only due to the abuse itself but also because of the destructive messages Survivors internalize during those traumatic experiences.

Shame is a deeply rooted emotion with the power to hijack our thoughts, actions, and relationships in profound ways.  For shame to no longer have this kind of power, it will be important to understand it and to learn how to overcome it.

How and Why We Feel Shame?

Often, shame develops early in life, as a direct result of having been abused in childhood. Survivors of abuse will internalize feelings of inadequacy, unworthiness, or failure, setting the stage for a lifelong struggle with shame.

The emotion can manifest in various ways, affecting both mental and physical well-being. The fear of judgment and rejection can lead individuals to hide their true selves, leading to isolation. Moreover, shame may give rise to self-critical thoughts, and self-hate. It whispers destructive messages to Survivors, perpetuating a cycle of self-blame and undeserved guilt. Messages such as, “You are to blame,” “You deserve punishment,” “You are not lovable” or “You do not matter” become haunting echoes that resurface in various life situations, triggering emotional distress.

Shame can also impact decision making, as individuals may avoid taking risks or pursuing their goals to limit potential embarrassment. Recognizing and addressing the messages that come from shame is a crucial step in the journey towards healing.

Challenging Shame with Truth

It's essential to understand that shame is built on lies. We encourage our clients to confront shame by exposing its lies and replacing them with the truth. Lies and truth cannot coexist, just as darkness cannot exist in the presence of light.

Blowing Up Shame

To combat shame effectively, it will be important to name its lies explicitly. Starting with statements like, “I am not to blame,” “I did not deserve the abuse,” or “I was too young to defend myself” helps to dismantle shame's hold. By acknowledging these truths, Survivors begin the process of breaking down the barriers that shame has created.

Truth-telling such as, “I deserved protection and safety,” “I am lovable and important,” or “I matter” help Survivors reframe their self-perception. Recognizing their real value and worth is pivotal in helping a person overcome the lasting effects of childhood abuse.

This requires courage, but the rewards of breaking free from the chains of shame are well worth it.  This work need not be done alone.

Seek Professional Help

Uncovering shame as part of the healing journey from childhood abuse helps loosen its grip and lessens its impact on daily life.  Consider working on identifying and challenging shame’s negative beliefs that are rooted in the abuse.  An experienced counsellor or therapist will provide guidance and support tailored to each person’s specific situation.  They may suggest Cognitive-Behavioural Therapy (CBT), Somatic (body) Therapy, or Creative Art Therapy – all of which can be profoundly effective for this.

Consider joining a support group for Survivors of childhood abuse. Connecting with others who have had similar experiences can provide a sense of validation, understanding and community.

At Tapestry Counselling Centre, we advocate for intentional healing by challenging shame's lies and replacing them with empowering truths. By fostering a supportive environment that encourages Survivors to confront and overcome shame, we hope to contribute to the journey of healing and self-discovery.

2024: Your Year of Healing from Childhood Abuse

Experience healing in 2024 by dealing with the lasting impact of childhood abuse. Whether you've faced emotional, physical, or sexual abuse as a child, the repercussions can extend into your adult life, manifesting as enduring suffering and relationship challenges.

Many of our clients experience the following symptoms. Do they sound familiar to you?

• A perpetual sense of dread

• An unshakable feeling that nowhere is truly safe

• Persistent physical symptoms like pain or digestive issues

• A deep-seated mistrust of others

• Difficulties in relationships with authority figures

• Struggles with anger management

• Overeating

• Substance misuse

• Overspending

• Isolation and loneliness may also be prevalent as a protective measure against potential harm, accompanied by feelings of worthlessness.

Now, envision a life free from these emotional burdens and experiences. Imagine breaking free from anxiety and dread, taking confident steps towards your aspirations, whether it's pursuing a fulfilling career or creating new friendships and partnerships.

Picture a life where you're in control of your emotions, responding to them in a measured way, rather than being ruled by them.

Visualize releasing the weight of unprocessed grief stemming from unmet childhood needs—be it protection, love, guidance, or encouragement.

Envision a future where you feel fulfilled, content, at peace with yourself, and secure in your relationships.

Taking the First Step to Self-Healing: How can I help myself?

The first step in dealing with childhood abuse trauma is often acknowledging and recognizing the impact it has had on your life. This recognition can be challenging, but it is a crucial starting point. Seeking support from a mental health professional, such as a counsellor, is another essential step. Additionally, reaching out to friends, family, or support groups can contribute to building a strong support network. Healing from childhood abuse trauma is a gradual process and taking that initial step towards seeking help is a significant milestone.

How do counsellors help?

Counsellors play a crucial role in supporting survivors of childhood abuse on their journey towards healing. With a deep understanding of the profound and lasting effects of abuse, professional counsellors offer a safe space where people can explore and process their experiences.

By listening and providing empathetic guidance, counsellors can help you navigate complex emotions, such as fear, mistrust, and anger, which leads to a sense of empowerment and self-discovery. Tailoring their approach to your unique needs, counsellors employ evidence-based techniques to address trauma, promote resilience, and build coping mechanisms.

How long will it take?

The healing process from childhood abuse is a deeply personal and individual journey that varies for each person. There is no fixed timeline for “success”, as the duration of healing depends on numerous factors, including the type of abuse, the support system available, and the survivor's resilience. For some, progress may be swift, marked by significant strides in understanding and coping. However, for others, the path to healing may be gradual and involve setbacks. It's crucial to recognize that healing is not a linear process; it often involves peaks and troughs. Patience is paramount, as you work through the layers of trauma, build resilience, and redefine your sense of self. Counselling and therapeutic support play instrumental roles in this journey, providing a consistent and understanding space.

Make 2024 your year to embark on this transformative journey.

Tapestry Counselling Centre has provided counselling for people recovering from childhood abuse for over 10 years. We’re based in East Vancouver and here to support you every step of the way.

To take the first step towards healing, we offer a complimentary 30-minute consultation with one of our counsellors. Book your appointment now: https://tapestrycounselling.janeapp.com/ Or leave us a message and our Intake Coordinator, Jenn, will help you find a suitable counsellor: info@tapestrycentre.ca or 604-876-7600.  Or visit our website to learn all about us.

Sick of Holiday Suffering?

The holidays are not always a beautiful and magical time of year.  For many it is a season of exhaustion and to-do lists.

For some, it is much worse. It is a season full of dread and triggers of past traumatic events.  

Many people who have experienced past childhood abuse at the hands of family members or ‘family friends’ will find the holidays a very painful time of year, opening up old wounds.

If this describes you, please know that you are not alone. You do not have to carry these burdens by yourself, and you do not have to ‘push through’ this season the way you always have.

Make this season different. Here’s how you can use your voice to say no, and set boundaries.

Find Support

• Consider joining a support group.  There are some amazing online healing communities for people who have experienced abuse in childhood.  They’re either free or by donation, and you can join or leave at any time.  Adult Survivors of Childhood Abuse is one (www.ascasupport.org).  Email: asca.vancouver@gmail.com for info about the group and to receive the zoom link to try a meeting out.

Empower Yourself

Picture this: reclaiming your voice and setting boundaries like never before!

• Learn to Say 'No' - Recognize the power of your voice by saying 'no' to activities or situations that trigger distress. Identify what you can stop doing or reject to protect your well-being.

• Skip Uncomfortable Functions - If the thought of attending certain events brings feelings of obligation or dread, consider saying 'no.' Reflect on the consequences and ask yourself what's worse: declining an invitation or enduring discomfort?

• Establish New Traditions - Forge your path by creating new traditions, such as spending time with chosen friends or family. Alternatively, treat yourself to a change of scenery by going out of town.

• Set Time Limits - If you decide to attend an event that requires boundaries, set a predetermined time to leave. Politely excuse yourself when the time comes, saying, "It's time for me to head out. Thanks for hosting. Happy holidays," without the need for extensive explanations.

At Tapestry Counselling Centre we work with people every day who have survived abuse and trauma.  We are here to help.  Please consider reaching out to us to book a free 30-minute consultation to talk with a trauma-informed counsellor and start moving through a healing journey today. Website: www.tapestrycentre.ca ; Phone: 604-876-7600 ; Email: info@tapestrycentre.ca ; Online booking: https://tapestrycounselling.janeapp.com/